


Waiting by the Grave

by thatdragonchic



Series: Sometimes He was Quiet [3]
Category: Eyewitness (US TV)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Fluff, Angst with a Happy Ending, Basically, Coming Out, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, Lukas comes out, M/M, Mentions of Blood, Mentions of Death, his dad doesn't take it well, is dead - Freeform, lukas is hurt, mentions of stitches, minor past character death, philip's grandfather, philip's past
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-02
Updated: 2016-12-02
Packaged: 2018-09-06 02:11:10
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,473
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8730760
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thatdragonchic/pseuds/thatdragonchic
Summary: The first thing Lukas noticed was how his hands don’t shake. Philip slowly pulls the glass from his arm and Lukas can’t seem to stop the tears- it stings, it makes him want to scream and sob but he doesn’t. He just lets the tears silently fall.--if this get's enough feedback I might continue it!





	

The first thing Lukas noticed was how his hands don’t shake. Philip slowly pulls the glass from his arm and Lukas can’t seem to stop the tears- it stings, it makes him want to scream and sob but he doesn’t. He just lets the tears silently fall. Philip pulls the needle and string from the first aid kit, Helen and Gabe cautiously sitting across from them. Philip doesn’t falter, his eyes are a little cold and upset, he thinks they’re brimmed with tears but Philip’s hands don’t shake and his tears don’t fall. He’s pulled together so fast, Lukas has to wonder if his boyfriend had really broken at all. 

“Don’t do this to yourself,” Philip begins. “You’re not going to sit here and wallow the rest of your life, you’re not going to throw everything away because people don’t approve of you. You’re not going to sit here and cry about it. You’re going to stand up and stitch yourself together.” He licks the tip of the string then threads it, his fingers don’t shake as he presses the bloodied skin together, his eyes don’t look up as he breathes in deeply and starts to thread the needle between the skin.

“I won’t let you,” he begins again. “You are so strong and so good at heart. Everything you do is worth it, and so he disagrees? You’re going to let that dictate your life? When I was fourteen my grandfather died and I had to stand up and face my life- all the cruelty in the world at my feet and now I had nowhere to hide and nobody to protect me. There was an infinite amount of people who hurt me and still, I stood and I stitched my own wounds up, because that’s what you have to do. You can’t just fall apart like this. You can’t just give in on the first blow, because it’s going to keep coming. People are going to keep hurting you. If you’re knocked out of the game after the first blow, where’s the recovery season? How long until you face it? You’re going to get up and fight because you have to.”

He ties of the stitches and gently dabs away the blood with the warm water towel. He doesn’t look up at Lukas and he doesn’t look up at Helen and Gabe. But they’re all staring at him, he can feel the blatant shock. “You like herbal tea, right? The raspberry one?” He offers. “Don’t move your arm. It’ll hurt, I’m going to get some band aid tape and make some tea and coffee.”

Lukas nods, trying to blink his tears away but he can’t, Gabe is the one to shift over and hold him as Lukas sniffles. He watches Philip rummage through the drawer. “You’ll never have to go through that, I will never hurt you, I will never throw you to the curb. You can rely on us, you can turn to us. There is nothing to fear. One person doesn’t end the world. I promise you that.” 

Lukas does notice how Philip’s voice quivers. He can’t tell if it’s anger or fear. The hollow emptiness resigns against his presence and his voice is almost empty beside the harshness it has. He kneels beside Lukas and he’s moving to wrap the tape around his arm. (“Careful, Careful, steady hands. Don’t tug too tight.” The voice rings in his head, the woman upstairs who had taught him how to stitch himself up when things got so bad. She chided so gently, but there was such a sharp point to it.  _ Careful Careful. _ )

“Is it too tight?”

“No,” Lukas mumbles and Philip nods.  _ Careful.  _ That was what some might have used to describe him, and now with the walls up, Lukas couldn’t see through him. He could just see the way his eyes cold fronted and shut out, he could see the stations of little body worker bee’s closing the gates around his heart. He can tell that Philip falters but he doesn’t falter at all. Pointed and sharp and calculating, it slices right through Lukas because Philip has never been like that with him. And the way Helen and Gabe are reacting provide that Philip has never acted much like this around them either. Philip was shutting out, but also he was being defensive. Maybe he was fighting- Lukas couldn’t see it though. He couldn’t see what was going through Philip like he normally did. 

“Good. Now pull it together and stick it to the fucking place Lukas Waldenbeck,” Philip bites before standing and going to make tea. Their mouths dropped, it was so cold, and so hurtful. Lukas wanted to burst into tears all over again- Philip was supposed to help him and he was supposed to comfort him. This was far from comforting or helpful or any of the things he was looking for. Gabe kisses his head in reassurance. 

“I think he’s just surprised,” Gabe whispers. “I don’t think he means it.”

Lukas nods slowly but he can’t bring himself to say a damn thing. It was all so cruel, the world was crashing and burning all around him. All of a sudden the love of his life hated him, his dad kicked him out, he felt like he had no place to turn. There was water running and coffee being made and a tea kettle on the stove. But he can’t see past it.  _ Stick to the fucking place.  _ Philip made it sound like it was so easy, like everything was going to be perfect tomorrow. Lukas felt so angry, why was he shutting him out so fast? Why was he closing up and accusing and setting demands too high to reach? 

Philip places the tea and all Lukas can do is brokenly stare at him with glassy eyes. He takes his own coffee before declaring, “I’m going to my room to sketch.” And then he’s gone. Lukas cries, curling into his own arms. Helen thinks about going after Philip but she doesn’t know what she would say or if she would interfere. She doesn’t know how to approach Lukas, and she doesn’t know what to do about Bo. All she knew is Lukas was welcome here and even if she wasn’t great at this, Gabe already has accepted him into their arms.

 

Philip is intent on the drawing, except this time his hands shake. Big sheet of paper and lines that weren’t quite perfect. He wanted to cry, he wanted to burst into tears. He berets himself because he wasn’t going to cry and he wasn’t going to burst into tears. He’s not reverting back to running in circles, confused and lost and helpless. He wasn’t going to fall apart, and he wasn’t going to think about all the things he wished he could tell Lukas. Laurelle hurt him, beat him, screamed at him for every small thing, fine. Billy hated him most days of the weak, would push him out, throw the money away, fine. Philip was so  _ ashamed  _ of so much that he had done, men that he had slept with for food or money or clothes, or people he had stolen from, or things that he had done just to get by. 

All because his grandfather died. All because at some point, it wasn’t about who he was, it was what he was and what he could do for other people. Life in projects wasn’t about just getting by, it was surviving. He had to survive and at fourteen with no grandfather to protect him or place to go, he was sitting a position where Lukas is now. Crying, scared, weak and running in circles. He knows what Lukas is going to do. He knows how this is going to go down. He’s going to become something he doesn’t want to be and all Philip wants to do is protect him. All he wants to do is save him because Lukas was going to drown and Philip doesn’t want to watch him drown. Doesn’t want to watch him slip away, learn how to fend for himself the way that he did and does. 

All his life, he stands for himself, he defends himself, he protects himself. Lukas may have done so himself, but not to the intense version that Philip knows he’s had to done. He knows that Lukas has struggled and hurt, but not the way that Philip knows is unspeakable and horrible. He jumps when the door opens, he practically breaks but he doesn’t, he collects his breath and Lukas is staring at him confused.

“I… I don’t get it. Why are you mad at me?”

“I’m not mad at you.”

“My dad just beat me and kicked me out-”

“I-” Lukas watches the words get caught in Philip’s throat.

“Don’t be afraid to tell me things Philip.”

“My grandfather died and I sat on his grave a whole month in the freezing cold waiting for him to come back for me, protect me, be there for me again. I don’t want you waiting on the grave… I don’t want you to end up feeling like me.”

Philip gets up off the bed and takes Lukas’ hands and pulls him closer. “You’re always so positive, I wish I was more like you, always,” Lukas whispers.

“You’re sweet… But you don’t know how it felt to see you like this and see myself. I ran in circles, I wronged and I hurt and I threw myself into survival mode. I had nobody, you have me. You don’t need to run in circles, you don’t need to survive. Love is a war but it’s not that kind of warfare, it’s not the same… And I love you. I love you a lot, I know you’re going to fall apart for days and months. You’re going to leave me, you’re going to yell and scream and… god knows what you’ll do but- I’m not going to let it happen.” The determination was back and Lukas saw that pain now, how cold it was but how determined he was. “I’m not letting you fall apart.”

“I won’t.”

“I know because I’m not letting you.”

“You’re not mad?”

“Never babe.”

Lukas nodded and Philip cupped his chin and pressed his lips to Lukas’, their kiss slow and sweet and enrapturing. Philip almost let himself melt at the feeling. Almost let himself get caught, but he was so nervous- Lukas didn’t let him be. 

“I forgive you,” Lukas whispers and Philip smiles tensely before kissing his cheek. 

“You should go to bed…”

“It’s 5 pm,” Lukas mumbles. 

Philip nods. “Right I knew that.”

“Don’t be weird about things.”

“I’m sorry… I’m just… I’m thinking.”

“About what? Your grandfather?”

“Yeah I guess…” Philip mumbles. “You can stay here with me.”

“I wasn’t going to l _ eave _ .”

Lukas felt bad, Philip suddenly looked so small, but he takes his hand and kisses the band aid and lets Lukas settle on the bed with him. He watches Philip sketch, he wonders what it is. There’s a book on the bedside, he takes it and inspects the book. 

“What’s this book? I’ve never seen it before.”

“A long time ago it was banned for being so absolutely scandalous and gay, my grandfather kept a copy though and grandma gave it to me when I was thirteen. She told me it was the precise way of young men to understand other men in a form of such complexion and sustanence,” he says this almost mockingly and laughs a bit.

“What’s your favorite quote?” Lukas asks

Philip thinks. "His hands always worked with precision. Thought out with shaking resilience. I remember his every move, kissed by his concord and he promised to rule the world through my body- worship god through surrendered moans. I loved him. If he finds me he could kill me. Id die happy,” he recites softly, slowly, drawing out words. “I would die happier than any man and I would sit on the throne of blood he made for me, cascading into god’s arms… take me once more and hold me close- my loveliest surely didn’t. But dear god, I resent him not.”

“Deep.” 

Philip nod's.

“I would never kill you if that helps.” 

“If you wanted to, I’d let you.” 

“Why?”

“The saying goes… that’s love bitch,” Philip jokes, slapping his hand down over Lukas’ heart and they both laugh, the two leaning into each other and pressing foreheads. “You’re my loveliest.”

Lukas smiles sadly. “My dad hates you.”

“It’s okay, we’ll find you a new dad. We’ll just go walk around and ask people if they wanna be your daddy or something.”

Lukas snorts. “Ew! That’s weird.”

“Okay just because  _ you’re  _ kinky, doesn’t mean I am.”

“Nope, new subject. Changing the topic-”

“Why I accept you and all your kinky ways-”

“No, no nope! It’s not  _ my  _ kink!”

“Nobody was being kinky to begin with!”

“You were!”

“I was not. I said we’d find you a new dad. If you wanted somebody who’s Daddy AF then I’d do it.”

“Why is this a sentence that just came out of your mouth?”

“Because you brought it up. Unless you want a sugar daddy. Go online for those.”

“Do you have a sugar daddy?”

“No but my mom used to. He used to send me candy, they were sugar daddies. It was funny.” Philip laughs. “Still is.”

He curls into Lukas giggling and Lukas shakes his head, smiling. “You’re ridiculous.” 

“That’s funny! I mean hated them, they’re gross and way too chewy and sugary, but it was a good joke.”

“That’s a horrible joke, that’s really corny.”

“It’s an A+ joke.” 

“Go to bed Philip.”

“No I can’t.”

“What?”

“I was peacefully sketching, you disturbed my art.”

“Can I see your art?”

“No…”

“Why. Because my art is more personal than my pictures. But the picture box is in the closet behind the three shoe boxes under the colored blanket. You can look at some.”

“Wow did we just advance five levels of our relationship?”

Philip shrugs and he can see that Lukas is still sad but oh god is he trying. Philip leans up and kisses Lukas, gentle and sweet on the forehead. “You’re okay babe.” 

“You’d never hurt me.”

“No I wouldn’t.”

“I don’t know how to deal with this.”

Philip goes quiet in thought, his brows crease for a moment before he finds the resolve. “We’re going to resolve this together. You and I are going to make a schedule, a mix of mine and yours. More mine, because I have everyday plotted out to a simple science usually. There’s room for change and revisions but most days we’ll follow it. Got it?”

“And that is?”

“Well just follow me tomorrow.” 

“Okay.”

Philip nod's. “Okay.” 


End file.
